My wife and I are sitting at the
white patio table under the green umbrella at the Riverside Restaurant in Grants Pass, Oregon.
We are at the bottom of a three level veranda facing the Rogue
River.
The Rogue is one of our few
nationally protected wild rivers. I can hear the gurgling flow of the current rapidly moving down
stream. The warm sun today hits the rippling water with thousands of light
refractions that gleam like tiny, twinkling stars.
Needless to say, we are relaxed;
and enjoying our peaceful surroundings accompanied by bird songs and pine tree
fragrances. I look across the eighty feet span of this amazing water wonder.
There are bluish-green mountain tops looming down stream, and a huge, graceful
Osprey circling above us.
All of a sudden, the raptor folds
in its wings, dive-bombs into the river in front of us, like a gifted dancer
nailing a contorted pose. Then the Osprey victoriously explodes out of the
water, flying into the blue sky with a silver fish in its beak. Oh my, I have
never witnessed such a raw, glorious, inspiring sight.
While waiting to place our order,
my mind flashes back to a similar, awesome and equally inspiring human
experience that occurred several nights ago at our local Unity Church. I
facilitate a support group there on Thursday evenings that we call Positive
Life Changes.
We are sitting on the wood and
aluminum church chairs arranged in a circle. I am in the middle of the group
with Kathy, Fred, Tom, and Shawn on the left half of the circle; and Doris,
Anne, and Fred on my right.
Fred, (who is 85-years-old, bent
over from back problems, with a bald head, white mustache, and a pervasive
twinkle in his eye) hands off the Mission Statement sheet to Shawn, our newest
member.
She reads the three pathways to
emotional recovery, beginning with, “#1. We will practice ways to limit and
control negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.”
Shawn, (in her early 40’s, a
single mom, with page-boy styled brunette hair) passes the sheet back to me.
I further explain, “There are
eight actual steps to positive change, but first we will begin our discussion
with the word of the day entitled ‘A
New Way’.”
Each member eagerly took turns
explaining how to embrace a new way of living despite the inevitable setbacks,
challenges, and life stressors that appear to block our progress at times.
Fred delighted in describing his
“kick-the-bucket” list: “I made a commitment to take note of all the things
that have displeased my wife, and I will try to do better.” In the last year he
has many physical challenges that have included one heart attack, crippling
back pain, and two strokes.
Kathy, (37, very slender, wearing
her brown hair in a pony tail) proudly explained that she is in recovery from
her alcoholism after getting out of prison recently for multiple DUI
convictions. She went on to attest, “My new way is moving into a women’s
half-way house in town, which will support my recovery, and help me get a fresh
start on life again.”
Doris, (short, with reddish-brown
hair, in her late 40’s) has been married and divorced three times. She is
living with her elderly mother and her alcoholic brother. She shyly shared, “My
new goal is to change my life by going back to college and majoring in career
development.”
Tom, (47, brain-injured, with
Schizophrenia, wearing a light pencil thin beard on his jaw line) is applying
of Social Security Disability. He softly described his new interest in writing
poetry, and he wisely pointed out to the group, “A new way suggests a
willingness to be more open to positive thoughts, feelings, and actions.”
Anne, (53, short blond hair,
speaks with an Irish accent) came as a guest of Kathy’s. She related to Tom her
ambivalence about being on Social Security Disability. With passion in her eyes
she stated, “My new way is to look for part-time work because I am not crippled
enough to stay at home all day.”
Pete, (62, fully bearded, grey
haired, and a combat Vietnam
veteran) is going through a terrible divorce. He painfully described his grief
over his separation from his wife of fourteen years due to her unmanageable Bipolar
Disorder and alcoholism.
Tearfully he stated, “How do you
move forward to embrace a new life when negative thoughts and feelings keep
taking you back to the old pain and suffering?”
I took this opportunity to
recommend my stop and think process to positive change.
When we are faced with hardships,
adversity, or triggers to engage in self-defeating behavior (I call our dark
secrets), I suggest we try the following emotional recovery system:
#1. Take a deep breath by
inhaling for three seconds, and slowly exhale for six or more. This will slow
down the temptation to stress-out or impulsively dance with negativity.
#2. Practice the skill of
positive self-talk. For example, repeat affirmations like, “I refuse to beat
myself up with things I can’t change.” Or, “I deserve to have a better life
today.”
#3. Most importantly, when stuck
and unable to see a new way, pause, and reach out for help to a positive
person.
Pete graciously thanked me,
smiled, and exclaimed, “Sounds good Gary,
but where do I find positive people to talk with?”
I hesitated, and said, “Look
around Pete, all the positive people you need are in this group today.”
We then laughed, smiled, and mysteriously connected in a special way: as
majestic and uplifting as the Osprey who in full view dove into the water, and
flew back into the blue sky victorious…
Startled from my muse by the
waitress, we ordered from the menu. I look again at the mighty Rogue, and
recount more of my experiences about the support group to my wife Susan.
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Sending you Peace and Joy today from Susan and Gary Eby.
